The Founding Fathers! Real Daddies for Little Orphans!

You know, whenever I hear certain groups start yapping about the Founding Fathers being the answer to freedom, I start calling all my female friends and black friends and landless friends and offer them hiding spaces in my attic.

Actually, I don’t have an attic. Even if I did, would I say so, after what I just wrote?

Certainly, some of the Founding Father’s ideas were, to state the obvious, revolutionary. A tax-sucking incestuous monarchy (or was that yet to come?) was overthrown, after all. That’s all positive. And the Constitution and later the Bill of Rights and all that, too—revolutionary, important, like I said.

But there was also, under the glory of this wise revolutionary counsel, a darker cloud: millions of slaves considered less than human, women of every colour who couldn’t vote and maybe not even own land, and a genocide and/or mass extermination (depending on your own leanings) of millions of indigenous people in full swing and largely sanctioned by said Founding Folk.

These types of shenanigans, at least for a stick in the mud like me, don’t quite ring that ol’ bell of freedom.

So it wasn’t perfect, but at least those Founding Father guys—and I’m a big Tom Paine fan, for instance—were civil in politics, right? Men of intelligence and compassion (ignoring the slaves for a moment), cordial (ignoring the duals, for a moment, like Aaron Burr shooting Alexander Hamilton, in 1804), committed to strong yet open debate (assuming you owned land and had a gun).

Hey, I’m not just casting aspartame. I mean asparagus. The House of Commons in Canada is a disaster whenever I unfortunately somehow glance a moment of it. Really, it’s an embarrassment. A bunch of mostly rotative (is that a word?) uninspiring folk with super fat indexed pensions barking rhetoric that has no meaning except to protect their crony self interest. Okay, sometimes they do something good, like name a park. But enough about the bastard children of John A. McDonald, Canada’s first Prime Minister, born in Scotland, raised in Kingston, pickled in Ottawa (or, to quote Wikipedia: “John A. Macdonald’s adult life was marked by sickness, death, drunkenness and tragedy.”) I do sympathize with the tragedy part. Heck, I can’t stay mad forever.

The truth is, I am trying to be witty like the Founding Father during their political…you’ll see, you’ll see. This is funny—and oh those naughty, libelous, unscrupulous Founding Fathers:

All I can say is, at least those insults have a little flair. But just imagine what they would have said about poor President Obama. ‘Socialist’ would have been a whispered sweet nothing, believe you me. After all, according to John Adams, Thomas Jefferson was “the son of a half-breed Indian squaw.”

I personally think that would have been fortunate, but I think it was meant as an insult.

One can almost assume Adams would have concluded through no evidence or research whatsoever that Obama was “African-born” (this was pre-Kenya, after all), and by his name, clearly the bastard son of Saddam Hussein and Obama sin Laden, with one of the fathers being, in the words of Jefferson on Adams, “a hideous, hermaphroditical character with neither the force and firmness of a man nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman.”

No, but the heart of a eunuch. Boy, talk about getting up on the wrong side of the bed. Imagine that job, especially if you were intelligent and like people: President of the United States. Wow.

Anyway, my American friends, feel free to try some of these insults on your own boss, especially if he or she’s a conservative or libertarian (or even a Tea-partiest—heck, or even a Left Winger, although they rarely talk about the Founding Fathers). And if you’re boss should get a little angry to the point of restructuring, just say you’re quoting his or her beloved Founding Fathers.

And never forget that, I believe it was President Reagan, who once called a group of White House-visiting mujahideen leaders (the ancestors of the Taliban leaders) the moral equivalent of the Founding Fathers.

Ah, how times have changed.

Sending love, hopefully humour, and a little history,



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